The second year of Grief

We are now creeping up on the second year of Bastian's death. I wish I could tell you that it got easier. It didn't. I am slowly learning how to live and cope with my grief. The first year after Bastian's death, I threw myself into staying busy. I was always doing something, to keep my mind busy, to keep my mind occupied. I was numb. The truth is I didn't want to feel my grief.

Reflecting back on the day that Bastian died, when he died, I think I went into shock. I didn't cry initially. After he died, I gave him a bath, and cried during the process, knowing this would be the last time I would scrub his tiny little body. I walked around my neighborhood disheveled, Looking for somewhere, anywhere, so that I could let it all out. When I found myself somewhere quiet and private, I didn't cry. Instead, I begged God, and asked how he could do this to people, to families. I did not get my answer from him that day.

We are about to enter the second year of Bastian's death. The first year was hard. A month after he died, we had to celebrate his Birthday. April 12. April 12, 2016. Bastian's birth story is my favorite to tell. If you ever see me in person, ask me about it. I will gladly tell you. His birth was eventful. He was almost born in the car.

This year on April 12, 2020 we will be celebrating what should be his 4th birthday. I wonder what he would be into. Would he love "Thomas the train", like his brother? Would he love "Cars" the movie instead? I wish I could have the answer to these questions. I never will.

The months following November, are rough. For 6 months out of the year, I am battling the waves of grief extra hard, starting with November. November, and December because they are months filled with family events, where I have to pretend and paste a smile on my face while everyone else is excited. Then comes January, the month we were told that Bastian's cancer was back, followed by February, where they tell us that there are no other medicinal options for our 22 month old son. Followed by March, the month of Bastian's death. Which brings us back to April 12. Bastian's birthday. In May, we were told, Bastian had cancer (May 27, 2017) and our lives would never go back to being carefree.

This year I would like to do something extraordinary to honor his birthday and memory but I haven't come up with any ideas yet. For his 5th birthday, I would love to hold a 5k. Any ideas on how to get this started? I would love for the profits to benefit those who have lost their child to cancer. If you have any ideas on how to get this started, please email me laurenh@loveforbastian.com