A letter to Bastian

Dear Bastian,

From the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I knew you were going to bring a wonderful presence into our life and into our home.

Your first year of life, although not perfect, brought us so many amazing memories. From the first time you went to Disneyland, to the giant messes you and your brother teamed up to make.

The first time we found out you had cancer, I couldn’t help but to blame myself. Maybe I wasn’t crunchy enough. I made your baby food, I cloth diapered, I breastfed. I thought I did all things “right.” I didn’t do enough, because cancer sought you. We thought our lives were over at your diagnosis. But it wasn’t. People told us you weren’t coming back from this, they told us there was nothing they could do. Boy, were they wrong. I will never forget the day that you looked up at Pastor Dave, and smiled the biggest smile you could muster. Thankfully, your grandma captured it. No one could believe it. I remember when Dr. Samuels came to visit, soon after and he was so pleasantly surprised and amazed.

A stem cell transplant was not in the cards for you. But we made it. You got your transplants. We got to keep you for 10 more amazing months. We made memories and took you on so many adventures. Upon diagnosis we were told we may not get to go To the beach. Baby, we got to go to the beach 5 times!!

We were so ecstatic when we got the news that you were cancer free. It didn’t take long for cancer to seek you out again. This time is different. There’s no Treatment available for you. How I wish my sweet boy that I paid more attention in biology. Maybe, just maybe I would have been able to find a cure for you and all the little boys and girls that have to endure the harsh treatments. I cannot imagine a life without you. You bring love, and silliness to our world. You are the balance in our crazy.

As I hold you in my arms, wondering if you’ve taken your last breath, I am so damn thankful. Because of you we know so much love. Because of you, so many strangers have become our family. I wish there were other options. I hope that you know just how much you are loved. I have always said that even if you weren’t with us for a long time, I want you to have a good life, no matter what. We got to do that. Your dad, brother and I are going to have so many memories of you dancing, and smiling. Everyone that has met you, has instantly fell In love. All the nurses just love you. I mean, what’s not to love? Your personality is infectious. We will continue to hope and hunt for a cure, but for now we will enjoy every second spent with you. We love you so very much.

We love you so very much.